Go Eat Something

On our last formal dining experience in Puerto i thought it highly appropriate to buy Annorexic Dog With Worms a meal. Much to the disgust and protest of Tully Anne Smyth, I ordered her a plate of scrambled eggs with ham. She really stunk which didn't help the situation. Upon the arrival of her meal i had to take it around the corner so as not to offend the shop owner. The plate was clean in about 14 seconds but she didn't get any fatter. Heaps of 'road work' was being done, which was basically a bunch of mexicans hacking up the cement with anything they could. Someone was driving a steamroller type thing and Annorexic Dog With Worms was laying in the sun and they thought it would be funny so kept driving. That was bad. Everything was in slow motion and our whole table stood up but didn't know what to do. Someone screamed at her and she swayed out of the way just in time. I think i would've thrown my burrito up ten times over.

We packed our bags and hailed a taxi, at least now knowing how to say 'how much to the bus stop' in spanish. I still keep accidentally saying "gracias" to people and this comes across as very fucking rude when they happen to actually be mexican. We got the 'deluxe' edition of the bus this time which promised us a 'remote control' and larger seats. I never actually found the remote control and have no idea what it would've done considering we all watched the same one television. Some bad Jackie Chan film dubbed in Spanish had two large mexicans behind us laughing like teenage girls for a solid 3hrs. Everytime they stopped Tully would immitate them really loud and I thought we were going to be stabbed. We were also given a 'snack pack' with corned beef and mustard sandwiches. I ate it despite the large chance it was not corned beef and had been stored near the bus engine for the past month.
The seats were amazing (thankyou extra $13) and i fell asleep after Jackie Chan stopped speaking Spanish. I would wake up various times throughout the night and not realise how id woken up or what had startled me. Then i caught her. Tully was tapping me on the hand every so often so she'd have someone to annoy and sing to. When i asked her why she was tapping me, she looked most innocently and said "what? oh no, i dont know what you're talking about". The next time i awoke was to the sun rising and Tully's eye balls popping out of her head. The bus was late and we were about to miss our flight back to LA. After throwing our spanish to the wind and offending/ bashing many people out of the way, we grabbed our bags from under the bus and strapped them to our backs. It feels like i'm carrying a horse on my back every time. I never get used to it.
Anyway we cabbed it to the airport and made our flight just in time. We both stunk and again were the only westerners in sight. I rubbed a face wipe on my arm and it turned brown. Fresh.

LA at least felt more familiar than Mexico. I really knew I was back in America when the money exchange booth was closed. We hung around and ten minutes later a lady the size of a small truck waddles back with a diet coke and a plastic bag of food in her hands. She glares at us, daring to alert her to the fact she was half and hour late back from lunch. The money we exchanged was basically eaten up by the fee and i realised our Mexican bubble of two dollar burritos and three dollar cabs had officially ended. After having my first american Big Mac (the small drink is the size of an aussie large. and cheesburger meals come with two burgers because apparently fat patrol in the US decided one was certainly not enough. you have to clog both arteries to get your moneys worth) we payed a $70US cab back to Encino, where David lives.

Of course he took us out that night, along with his Russian girlfriend Saskia. We drank at the hotel Natalie Portman was staying at and i wanted to see her just so jane would fly over to kill me. No luck though. Tully however nearly had a heart attack when Nikki Hilton walked past. She flattened herself against the wall for support before unsubtly excusing herself to stalk/assault her in the bathrooms. I woke up on the couch at David's sisters house. She had no idea we were coming and had brought a guy home. David stayed outside and refused to leave until he could say hello to the man and was shouting passive aggressive comments through the bedroom door which i found amusing but apparently his sister didn't. The housemate also didn't find it amusing when she came home that morning to find David and Saskia in her bed.
So while David worked we went to the Beverly Centre and looked around. I was still drunk and smelt like cat litter. We ended up busing it to Venice Beach which was suprisingly easy. Our day was spent on giant yellow and pink bikes, riding around amongst the weirdest people I've come across so far. They were all on drugs. A homeless group of about 20 people were catching some sun under palm trees on the picturesque beach front, laughing and shouting abuse at us as we rode past.. "Go eat something!" and "Aren't you hungry?".
We peddelled as fast as possible to reach a ferris wheel we could see in the distance. Upon arriving there we saw a sign and realised we were actually at Santa Monica Pier. So after discovering the freak shows there and taking a few pictures (while trying to steer) we headed back at full speed to try and make our 1hrs time limit on the bikes.
That day i also wandered into a shop that was all black with a white sad face painted on the outside. It had bmx bikes and a few t-shirts in the window and looked like a gallery. In hindsight, I realise this place was kind of exclusive and you only go in there if you know someone or you're going to buy a bike. Anyway I had no idea about this and spotted a skateboard on the wall upstairs in a loft. I thought there were boards for sale so i said to a large guy dressed like he was black if i could go up. He looked really taken aback and said "If you want?". So i came to the top of the stairs to find twelve guys in oversized t-shirts, bling and hats staring at me. They were all on Mac computers. So i had invited myself not only into this shop but into their office. Grand. They didn't know what to do so ended up talking to me. Fuck knows what i said but I ended up getting directions for Venice Originals Skate Shop and the beach.
Tully was waiting outside, mortified. Apparently i'd been the only one who hadn't picked up on the vibe.